Glucose!? Gross!

Oh wow, I just realized it’s been 3 months since I last updated! This morning I’m sitting in the doctors office doing my 3 hour glucose test (🤮) so that gives you some idea what I’ve been up to!

So results of genetic testing came back normal and we found out we’re having another girl! And everything looked good so not much to be concerned with in that area. Meanwhile, I’ve faithfully gone in every 2 weeks for my cervical ultrasounds and there have been no signs of preterm labor, so now that I’m 25 weeks and it’s too late for a cerclage, I’m done with those checks.

Then at our 20 week anatomy scan, they told us the baby’s umbilical cord only has 2 vessels instead of 3, which could (and likely will) mean nothing, or it could signal heart or kidney issues, or it could impair baby’s growth. So we had a fetal echocardiogram and the heart looks good (whew!) and now I’ll need to have ultrasounds every 4 weeks in the 3rd trimester to check growth. Because of course I can’t just have a normal pregnancy!

Last week I did my 1 hour glucose and predictably, failed it (needed to be under 140 and I was 152). So here I sit, in the first hour of the 3 hour one, trying not to throw up from that awful glucose drink. At least this time they gave me a nice cozy private room to wait in!

I could dim the lights and snooze if I wanted (and I just might!). Definitely liking this clinic/doctor way better than the place I went last time I was pregnant!

Update: I checked my own blood sugar after the 1 hour draw and I definitely failed that one! Should be under 180 and I’m 192. Great.

Meanwhile, I’ve hit the uncomfortable stage of pregnancy, where I’m just all back and joint pain, it’s hard to tie my shoes, and I waddle everywhere. I’ve gained more weight this time (well I also started out 10lbs heavier), probably because I was on the low carb diet from 12 weeks on last time. Regardless, I feel huge and self conscious about it and it doesn’t help that no less than 4 people in the last week have made comments like “oh, are you due soon?” And “are you sure you’re not having twins?!” The last comment was made by one of my subordinates at work- kind of a ballsy thing to say to your boss I think! Especially given it was less than 24 hours after I had a talk with her about sensitivity after she made a rude comment about a coworker’s disability….

Speaking of work, it’s been a nightmare. The boss I was afraid to tell about my pregnancy never responded to my email (couldn’t tell her in person bc she was out of the office) and then she abruptly resigned a week later. SO I assumed several of her responsibilities and moved out of the school I’ve worked in for so long (away from my support system of colleagues) and up to the district office, which is quiet and boring. I miss working with kids. And of course several other staff resigned (they didn’t like the new superintendent or principals) which left a lot of holes to fill and a lot of stress on me. I’m still not sure what they’re going to do when I go on maternity leave since I’m the only one who knows how to do certain things!

Finally, some good news! One of my grad school classmates has been struggling with infertility and loss for a few years. In June she was 7or 8 weeks along and the baby’s heart rate was low so the dr was worried about another loss. I’ve been thinking about her since then but hadn’t heard anything so I assumed news wasn’t good. But yesterday she announced the baby is doing great and she’s now 20 weeks! Given all she’s been though I am thrilled! I love love love when things work out for people like that!! 🤗

Advertisements

Still Hanging In There!

I realized the other day that I never updated after my first prenatal appointment a couple of weeks ago (that was at 11 weeks), not to mention everything that has happened since then! But regardless, the good news is that so far everything is still ok so we’re trying to be optimistic.

I went for my first actual doctor’s appointment (as opposed to the short one to confirm the pregnancy). It’s a new doctor (and new clinic) this time and I really like her. She spent a long time talking with me and going over all of the pregnancy info, most of which was not new to me.  Because of my age and history of pre-term labor and gestational diabetes, she referred me to the Maternal Fetal Medicine Clinic at the hospital where I will eventually deliver (it’s a HUGE hospital, as opposed to the tiny little small town one where I had E). She also said that she didn’t think a glucose test at 12 weeks was necessary and that she would just check my A1C. If that was high, THEN we would talk about a glucose test, but otherwise that can wait till 24 weeks (yay!).

Finally it was time to check for the heartbeat, which was the part I was MOST nervous about, obviously.  I’d checked at home with the doppler a couple of days before and was able to find it, but was still really needing reassurance.  Unfortunately after checking FOREVER, she was unable to find it with the doppler and I was starting to panic.  She said the options were to come back in a week and try again, or she could get the ultrasound machine and look for it visually.  One look at my face told her to get the damn ultrasound machine, stat.  She reassured me that she understood my anxiety given my previous loss (which I found out about in the exact same way- when they couldn’t find a heartbeat at my first prenatal visit). She said she’d had a previous loss as well so she understood the fear.  So she got the ultrasound, which was actually just a tiny little low-resolution handheld screen and not the big ultrasound on a cart I was expecting.  She explained that it wasn’t nearly as clear as the bigger machines but that was what they have at the clinic.  So with the small probe, it took her FOREVER to even find the BABY, but when she finally did she showed me why it was so hard to get the heartbeat- the little munchkin was literally doing back flips in there.  Just flipping around like an acrobat.  I was surprised we couldn’t hear a little voice going “wheeeee!!!!!” in there.  SO.MUCH.RELIEF.

So then the next week was our appointment at the Maternal Fetal Medicine Clinic. I’ve heard good things about that place and all of them turned out to be true.  THEY.WERE.AWESOME.  The doctor was amazing and spent forever talking with us.  He was very critical of the way my last doctor had handled the preterm labor before and said that while he thinks it’s a fairly low risk of it happening again, I will still need cervical ultrasounds every 2 weeks until 23 weeks. If I’m dilated at that point they’ll do a cerclage, but they can’t do that beyond 24 weeks. He was also VERY critical of the first fertility doctor we saw back when we were trying to get pregnant with E.  That made me feel SO much better because I KNEW that place was terrible and I appreciated that he fully validated those concerns.  He also agreed that there is no need to test glucose until 24 weeks, given my A1C levels and he is hopeful that I won’t have GD again this time (though I remain pretty certain I will).  He also scoffed at the idea that we’re too old to be parents- he said that even though I’m at the upper end of the age range, I’m very healthy (shocking, given my awful diet and lack of exercise!) and it’s perfectly normal to have babies at my age nowadays.

THEN it was ultrasound time so they could check the nuchal fold as part of the prenatal genetic screening. Our 12 week ultrasound with E had been AWFUL, and we never got a picture from that because the midwife was such a horrible, awful, jerk, so this experience was so much better! We got to see the little munchkin happily swimming around in there with a heartbeat of 158 and a perfectly normal nuchal thickness.  The baby had it’s little hands up by it’s face a lot so it looked like it was sucking it’s thumb, which was adorable.  And we got great pictures!

ultrasound

Then it was on to talk to the genetic counselor, who was also awesome. I had been under the impression that we weren’t doing cell-free DNA testing this time, but was pleasantly surprised to learn that we were.  So she just went over the basics of our history and explained chromosome abnormalities vs inherited conditions and probabilities based on our age range.  She too was pretty optimistic, especially given that the nuchal measurements had been good on the ultrasound.  So she gave me a little kit and had me head down to the lab for a blood draw. Last time we did Panorama and this time we’re doing MaterniT21, but essentially they screen for the same things.  AND we will get to find out gender! Results should be in sometime next week, so we’re on pins and needles waiting for the notification from the doctor’s office. My husband pointed out that then we’ll need to start calling this kid by a name other than Oh Crap! and I said that given how E has taken to repeating everything we say, we probably need retire that nickname anyway. 🙂

Speaking of E, we got her a t-shirt that says “Big Sister” and took a cute picture of her in it for a pregnancy announcement.  Like last time, we will NOT be doing anything on social media, but will just send cards to grandparents and great grandparents (even though grandparents already know).  I do not want to put anything out there, especially given I know at least a few people on my friends list who are struggling with infertility and loss and I don’t want to do anything that might hurt them.

And finally, I have not yet told my bosses at work.  I am not really obligated to at this point, but I’m starting to show (ok, let’s be honest, I am very obviously showing) and I’m getting really sick of trying to hide it. But I’m hesitating because my boss is already REALLY stressed out because we had someone quit and we haven’t been able to replace her, which means a huge headache for the rest of us. So telling her that I will be on maternity leave for 3 months will not be well received.  Not to mention she was pretty rude (bordering on inappropriate/illegal) last time I was pregnant. So this really stinks. I should NOT have to dread telling my boss about my pregnancy and I should not have to justify why I’m having a baby. Is it ideal timing? No. But given all we went through to get E, I’m certainly going to take this as the gift that it is.

10 Weeks and Counting

Well, here I am, 10 weeks today. I still feel somewhat detached from this baby in that I’m having a hard time believing that I’m actually pregnant and that there’s an actual baby in there. This is of course ridiculous given that I FEEL pregnant for sure.  I had a few days in there where the nausea was very very mild (almost non existent) and I got nervous (because of course I did- have you met me!?) but this week it has been worse than ever.  And of COURSE this week I am at work for a 4 day training (specifically, 4 full days of the most boring training on earth) with all of my administrators. So I’m sitting there with ALL of the very people from whom I am trying to hide my pregnancy, for 8 hours a day, while trying not to throw up on any of them. And, as my sister in law predicted, I am showing MUCH sooner this time around- at 10 weeks I look 4-5 months. For (stupid) superstitious reasons I don’t want to start wearing maternity clothes quite yet, so I’m pretty much living in leggings and giant t shirts, except when I go to work and then I just stuff myself into work clothes and spend the day trying to strategically hold things in front of my belly (my laptop, books, stacks of papers, etc.). It’s been fabulous, let me tell you.

In other news, my first actual prenatal appointment is next week (as opposed to the “confirm the pregnancy” appointment I had early on).  It’s weird that this clinic doesn’t want to even see you until 10-11 weeks when the last two saw me at 8 weeks, but oh well.  My only apprehension is really whether they will do a 12 week ultrasound if they already did a 7 week one, and whether they will agree with the need for Non-invasive Prenatal Testing (NIPT).  We did Panorama testing with Baby E and it was SO helpful in easing the anxiety, so I would really like to do it again, especially given my age and the increased risk for some chromosome issues.

Today I was feeling a little anxious, which is silly, given that I’ve never felt MORE pregnant than I do this week, so I got old the trusty old fetal doppler.  My husband has said he doesn’t care to try the doppler this time because he’s feeling pretty sure everything is fine (while he hasn’t said it, I think he thinks I’m being a little ridiculous with all my worrying). I actually tried it last week (even though I knew darn well it was too early) and didn’t find a heartbeat.  So today I gave it a shot again and actually found it rather quickly! I only heard it for a short time before the baby moved away, but that was enough for me. Whew!

 

It’s Not Easy Feeling Green

Well, I’m 8w4d today and while I’ve been having a little bit of anxiety, since our first baby stopped developing at 8w4d, I’ve been so consumed with nausea that I really haven’t had the energy to be anxious on top of that.  With both of my previous pregnancies, the nausea started at exactly 5w2d and was always worse at the end of the day, and this time is no different.  I feel mildly nauseous pretty much all day, but then 3:30 or so rolls around and it REALLY kicks in full force. And this time it is SO.MUCH.WORSE. I haven’t actually thrown up at all, although there have been times when I’ve wanted to, if only to get a few minutes of relief.  So now I leave work immediately at the end of the day, and have avoided late meetings and after-work gatherings.  Yesterday I even had to miss our nephew’s high school graduation party because I was so sick.

Evenings pretty much consist of my husband making dinner (most of which I am too sick to eat) and putting E to bed, while I creep around lamenting how awful I feel.  Then around 9:00, when ALL I want to do is go to sleep, the nausea lets up (temporarily) and I have to get out of bed and go eat some carb-heavy snack (lately it’s been a toaster waffle and peanut butter sandwich) so I can get something in my stomach.  It’s hard to even watch TV because the sight of food makes me ill.  Yesterday I got ambushed with a Spam commercial in the middle of an old episode of Project Runway and actually gagged. But then again, Spam would make me gag whether pregnant or not!

I’ve tried wearing sea bands, taking vitamin B6, and Unisom, and ginger candy but none of them really work.  Well, the Unisom does, but I can only take that at night. I know SO many women have it SO much worse than me, so I am trying really hard to keep things in perspective, I”m just getting so worn down and tired of being sick all of the time.  I’m just really hoping this goes away at 12 weeks like it did when I was pregnant with E!

Meanwhile, I know it is just bloat, but I swear I’m starting to show already! I refuse to buy maternity clothes until at least 12 weeks (superstition) but I’ve been living in leggings and loose t shirts because nothing else fits. I’m planning to keep this from my boss(es) as long as possible- last time I made it to 16 weeks- but I’m not sure I can hide it that long this time.  In a normal summer, I wouldn’t be working that much anyway, but with my new position, I’m in a few days a week all summer, so someone is going to notice pretty soon.

Ultrasound

It was weeks of anxious (and nauseous) waiting, but the day of our scheduled ultrasound FINALLY came! I was really anxious because this one was at the same place as my ultrasound with our first baby- the one where I found out (alone) that there was no longer a heartbeat.

I spent all morning at work fighting a panic attack and the whole drive to the clinic reminding myself to breathe.  My husband met me there and got there just in time for them to call me back.  The tech was very quick and efficient this time- clearly they were trying to keep to a schedule.  She started with an abdominal ultrasound and said we only had to do the transvaginal one if she couldn’t get a clear enough picture.  She probably thought we were rude because we weren’t super cheery or chatty, but that was really just because we were so anxious and wanted to get to the important part (is there a heartbeat?) right away.

When the image first came up on the screen, I was straining to see the heartbeat, but couldn’t see it right away, though I could see some moving around so that was reassuring.  But then the tech moved the wand and I could clearly see that glorious little flicker.  The tech pointed out the yolk sac and fetal pole, and said the heartbeat was 165.

IMG_0131

 

The tech was able to get enough measurements abdominally that I didn’t end up having to get the transvaginal one, so that was a plus.  We didn’t really have a lot of time to sit and watch the little nugget on screen, but the tech printed out a couple of pictures for us and we were on our way. I swear we were in and out of there in 15 minutes!

Today I got a message from the doctor saying that the ultrasound confirmed the original due date and that he hopes I’m feeling well.  I thought that was really nice, since I definitely didn’t get that kind of treatment from my last two OB’s!

So I’ll be 8 weeks tomorrow, and while we’re certainly not out of the woods yet, it’s a major hurdle that’s now been cleared.  It’s funny- I FELT pregnant (in fact I’ve been feeing worse this time that last time in terms of nausea and bloating), but I’m not sure I actually BELIEVED it until I saw that little bean on the screen. My next appointment isn’t until 11 weeks (and I’m hoping they’ll do a 12 week ultrasound and not make me wait till 20) so now I have a while to wait before getting additional reassurance.  But we do have the fetal doppler at home from last time and should be able to hear the heartbeat in a couple of weeks at least.

So, as of today, I am still pregnant.

 

6 weeks and counting

Well, I’ve made it to 6 weeks (and 1 day, to be exact).  When I saw the doctor last week he asked if I’d had any nausea, and I confidently told him that I hadn’t, but that it would kick in on Friday/Saturday, just in time for my daughter’s birthday party (based on my previous 2 pregnancies).   He looked at me like I was a little nuts, but sure enough, Friday rolled around and I was starting to feel queasy, and by Saturday, I was in full blown ginger-candy-and-7up mode. Somehow I managed to get through the birthday party (at least we rented out a picnic shelter, so it wasn’t at our house) but by the time it was done I was EXHAUSTED. So was the birthday girl! We got to go home and nap, while my parents (who we had to tell I’m pregnant, given that they were staying with us) and husband did cleanup. Had I known I would end up knocked up, I would NOT have planned a birthday party, but little did I know…..

I know they say morning sickness is a sign of a healthy pregnancy, but I don’t really believe that since I had it with my first pregnancy and that didn’t end well.  So that’s not really a consolation to me right now.  Last time, I was mildly nauseous during the day, it would peak right around my drive home from work, and subside by bedtime.  This time it is SO.MUCH.WORSE.  I am sick 24/7.  So far not actually throwing up, but the awful metallic taste in my mouth never goes away, and I spend most of my time fighting nausea (which has made me super productive at both home and work!). 7up got me through the first couple of days, but now I’m SO sick of that, I can’t even look at the can.  I hate the taste of ginger, so I HAVE ginger candies, but haven’t really used them much.  Peppermint candies work in a pinch, only short-term.

What has worked? Eating CONSTANTLY.  Unfortunately not eating GOOD stuff, I’m talking about stuffing my face with crackers nonstop.  The minute I stop eating I get queasy again.  I’ve found I need to eat something substantial before going to bed (so far what’s worked are those individually packaged containers of rice pudding from Aldi. Not healthy, but very filling). If I don’t, I wake up REALLY nauseous around 11pm.  I’ve also been taking vitamin B6 2 times a day, which I can’t really tell if it has helped or not.  Adding Unisom to it really helps a LOT but it knocks me out cold, so there is no way I could take that during the day, even at half a dose.

I also got some Sea Bands (the things you wear on your wrist for motion sickness) and surprisingly, they DO seem to actually make a difference.  Not a HUGE difference, but enough to take the edge off.  The problem is that it’s obvious what they are, so it’s hard to wear them to work without people asking why you’re wearing motion sickness bands when you’re…not in motion. And I can’t just cover them with sleeves because it’s 85 degrees out, and being hot just makes me more queasy.  WHY can’t they make Sea Bands that just look like regular bracelets!? I’m going to trademark that idea, if someone hasn’t already! Luckily today, no one at work said anything- I’m not sure anyone noticed, but eventually they will. They do leave light bruises on my wrists, but I don’t even care at this point.

I’m also SO much more exhausted this time.  Maybe because I’m almost 3 years older. With a toddler. But I feel like I’m too tired to even move most of the time. So of course the thought of having a toddler and a newborn is TERRIFYING me! But for right now, I’m just focused on getting though the next (hopefully) 6 weeks without puking.

First Prenatal Appointment

I’ve been really holding back on calling to schedule my first prenatal appointment because I am so anxious that scheduling the appointment will jinx something.  So yesterday I finally got up the courage and called the clinic.  I am going to a completely different place this time- while I really liked my OB, I hated the midwife (who I ended up having to see a bunch of times, despite my specifically requesting NOT to see her), and I hated the hospital.  Plus, while my old clinic was 15 minutes from my house, it was 45 minutes from work, and let’s be honest, most of my appointments require me to leave work in the middle of the day, not go from home.

So the new clinic comes highly recommended by several colleagues, AND it’s a family medicine clinic, so our entire family can go there for primary care as well.  They are very patient-centered, too.  When I called to make the appointment, I thought I’d have to wait until 8 weeks to go in, which was the case with my last two pregnancies.  But to my surprise, the receptionist said “we’ll need to confirm the pregnancy- we have a spot available in 45 minutes if you can come in.” Well okay, then!

When I arrived, I was taken to the lab immediately to pee in a cup, and then to see the doctor.  This guy no longer does obstetrics (he just gave that part up last year because the deliveries were becoming tough on his family- especially because his wife is ALSO an OB at the same clinic) but he was the one available.  He was very easy to talk to and after I talked about how anxious I am, he said he will schedule an ultrasound for 7 weeks if that will make me feel better (yes please!). Everyone at the clinic was really friendly and helpful- I am definitely glad I switched.  Plus it means I can give birth at the better hospital, which I would prefer even though it is 30-45 min away.

So as of today I am 5 weeks. Still no REALLY sore boobs, though they do feel bigger, and every once in a while I get shooting pains down the sides. I still feel really bloaty and am somewhat constipated, and have that very “full” feeling in my abdomen (ha! I’m probably just full of …well, you know). If my last two pregnancies are any indication, morning sickness should kick in any time now.  Weirdly, I’m kind of looking forward to that part, just for some reassurance.  I know that’s crazy because in my first pregnancy I had plenty of morning sickness AND a 7 week ultrasound and everything was fine, and it still ended in loss. But I feel like each little thing is at least another hurdle this baby has cleared.

Meanwhile, my husband ended up turning down his new job offer.  They didn’t offer him any more than he is making at his current job, and he would them have to give up all of the paid leave he has built up.  Once we found out I’m pregnant, he decided he wasn’t willing to lose that. So our insurance has stayed the same, and my husband will be able to take some time off, provided this pregnancy makes it that far.  He’s getting frustrated with me because I keep saying “IF this pregnancy works out” and refusing to discuss names or talk about going on leave.  He says that if this doesn’t work, it’s not going to hurt any less if we avoid talking about it, and he’d rather enjoy the “fun” parts now regardless of what happens.  I know he’s right, I’m just stuck not wanting to get my hopes up.  I think once we get past the anatomy scan, and Panorama testing, and I can actually feel the baby moving, I will feel better.  Until then, I’ll continue to be irrationally anxious!

Today I Am Pregnant

Well, it has been several days since I was shocked by the second pink line on the pregnancy test, and I’m doing my best to stay calm. With my last pregnancy we were seeing the RE, so we had the benefit of early blood draws and an ultrasound at 7 weeks, both of which helped a lot with the anxiety. This time around, I haven’t even called the doctor to set up my first prenatal appointment, and the thought of waiting until 12 weeks to even get an idea of whether everything is ok is KILLING me.  We’re also in limbo right now because my husband accepted a new job on Friday (new job Friday, new baby new Sunday- what a weekend!) and that will affect our insurance. Right now our insurance plan is through his employer because the insurance through my job is AWFUL (it’s a whole Health Reimbursement Account thing).  But now that he’s changing jobs, that coverage will end July 1st. And we aren’t sure if his new plan would start July 1st or not until the beginning of the new school year. And his new employer is taking their own sweet time on getting back to him on the salary and benefits questions. So I don’t know if we will need to go on my insurance for the summer (I don’t even know if we CAN go on it for such a short time), and we don’t know which providers are going to be covered, so I can’t even make an appointment until I know where I am able to go! And that, in a nutshell, is one of the reasons health care in this country is an epic disaster.

Meanwhile, this pregnancy is definitely different from the last one.  For one, I’m not consumed with thoughts of being pregnant 24/7. In fact most of the time I forget and then think “oh yeah, I AM pregnant, aren’t I?” This is mostly because I am just so busy with work and toddler (and planning her birthday party for next weekend). But I still find time to symptom check- meaning that I am still freaked out that I don’t “feel” pregnant, even though I KNOW most people DON’T feel pregnant at 4 weeks. My boobs still don’t hurt at all- last time they hurt like crazy at just 12dpo.  Although I am all bloaty, and I’ve noticed if I don’t keep food in my stomach I get ever so slightly queasy. Last night I had the familiar old metallic taste in my mouth, and this morning I was definitely feeling a little nauseous- enough so that I’ve gone back to carrying my trusty gallon size Ziploc bag in my purse, just in case I need to throw up.  But even so, I’ve kind of convinced myself this pregnancy isn’t going to work out, because I’m afraid to get my hopes up.  But even having had a rainbow baby, I am still JUST as terrified.

My parents are coming next week for the big 2nd birthday bash.  This year we are ACTUALLY having a party instead of just grandparents and cake.  We’ve rented a picnic shelter at the park because we figured that what E will want to do most of all to celebrate is just run around and play on the playground with her friends.  Of course had I known I’d be pregnant, we probably would not have planned this.  By my calculations, morning sickness should hit full force a day or two before the party (if the last two pregnancies are any indication, that is). And my parents will be staying with us, so we’re going to have to tell them because it’s going to be pretty hard to hide.  I’d thought about having E wear a “Big Sister” shirt, but I don’t really want to do a “reveal” like that given how early it is.  My husband on the other hand, says that if this doesn’t work out we’re going to feel sad regardless of how and when we told my parents, so we might as well have fun with it.  I get where he’s coming from and I know he’s right, I just can’t escape the part of me that is afraid to jinx things, even though I am not at all superstitious and know that’s not logical.

And so, I am trying to remind myself of the mantra I used last time “Today I am pregnant. No matter what happens tomorrow, today I am pregnant.”

anxiety

Umm….

So most of you readers are well aware that it took a miscarriage, a bunch of failed fertility treatments and 3 years to get our beloved Baby E. And a couple of months ago my husband and I decided (after foolishly walking through the newborn section at Carters) maybe we’d give it a shot for a year and see what happens.

This time has been much more relaxed, though. I’ve been using OPKs but not temperature charting. Most of the time I have no idea what cycle day I’m on. Instead of being consumed with thoughts of getting pregnant, I’ve been stressed about my demanding job and my even more demanding almost 2-year old.

Last month, as expected, my period showed up right on schedule, and I didn’t feel that sense of devastation that would have brought last time around. We’ve been living as though it’s not going to happen (realistically we know the odds aren’t good) and making life decisions. My husband just accepted a new job for next year and I’ve just signed a contract for a new position that will be much more demanding. Plus both of us are in graduate programs to advance our licensure.

I’ve spent most of this weekend down for the count with a nasty cold and unable to take NyQuil due to that familiar old “two week wait.” So this morning I dragged myself out of bed after 3 sleepless nights of not being able to breathe, and went to take a pregnancy test while my husband and daughter played in our room and watched cartoons.

And this happened:

img_0067

As I watched that second line appear my thought process went from disbelief to denial to……”oh shit what have I done!?” VERY different than last time around! In fact, if you’d told infertile 2015 me I would not necessarily be overjoyed about finding out I was pregnant, I would have been really angry at 2018 me.

I walked out and said to my husband “you’re not going to believe this but….there’s a second line on the test.” And at first he had no idea what I was talking about, then when he realized what he meant, he also went through the same disbelief-to-terror progression.

So. Here we are. Due date January 16-ish. Halfway through the year in my new position and my husband’s new district. He has no paid sick days built up at his new job. I’m going to be 39, husband will be 41 when this kid is born. I looked at my husband and said “this sure was a stupid idea!”

Now comes the terrifying first trimester (or for me, the entire 40 weeks) waiting for something to go wrong. I’m already freaking out (of course) because unlike my last pregnancy, I don’t have the telltale sore boobs that I had at this point. So I’m already going through worst case scenarios in my head. And if this pregnancy actually lasts, what if I get put on bed rest again?! With a toddler?! Definitely going to have to put my graduate work on hold! How will this affect my new job!?

Deep breath. Panic. Another deep breath. More panic…..

Trying Again

Screen Shot 2018-03-08 at 8.09.02 PM

Hello there, blog world! I realize it has been a really long time since I’ve updated- life has certainly been busy.  Baby E is turning 2 in May and is now a hilarious little chatterbox with a penchant for temper tantrums (that part is not so hilarious).  I started yet another graduate program (because I didn’t have enough student loan debt as it is) in the fall, after my boss strongly suggested I complete another professional license so that I could take on a promotion at work for next year.  However, she then screwed me over and promoted the person above me, while promoting me into that person’s role.  So it is a step up for sure (which includes a pay raise), and to be honest I realized pretty soon into the classes that I didn’t actually WANT that job, BUT it also means I wasted a lot of money in tuition that could have gone for other things. So now I am finishing the year long practicum, but don’t plan to continue with more classes after this semester. Meanwhile, my husband has started a graduate program as well, which necessitates him being gone one weekend a month and me parenting solo with a toddler. Stressful for sure!

So in the midst of all this, I made my appointment for my annual exam, which is also necessary to refill my birth control prescription.  Since E was born, I’ve been on the progestin-only pill, since I can’t take anything with estrogen due to migraines.  And I have HATED it. It leaves me bloated, exhausted, and gives me crazy mood swings.  So I’d already decided that at my appointment, I was planning to discuss other options with the doctor, because I can NOT do this stupid pill any longer!

Well about a week before the appointment, we went to get E some pajamas at Carter’s. And unfortunately I had to walk through the section of newborn clothes in the front to reach the toddler section in the back.  Seeing all those teeny tiny little clothes pretty much made my ovaries explode, and I started thinking about maybe wanting another baby.  My husband and I talked about it and went over all of the rational reasons NOT to: the stress and anxiety of trying to get pregnant, and then of BEING pregnant, the stress of our jobs and going back to school, already having a toddler, having to go back to sleepless nights, our ages (we’ll be 39 and 41 in the fall), etc. Not to mention the infertility issues and the knowledge that it’s unlikely we’ll be able to conceive again without fertility treatments anyway.

So I went to the doctor, and she said that she doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal if we want to try again.  But I decided I needed to be rational, so I made a follow up appointment to get a Mirena IUD.  As THAT appointment date drew closer, I started going back and forth about whether I should go through with it.  My husband said that he knows it isn’t practical, but that he’s ok with trying again. However, he understands that I am the one who would have to go through pregnancy, so he is ok with whatever decision I want to make.  Hmmm. Ok.

So today I was sitting at work, staring at my calendar reminder for tomorrow’s appointment. And I started to get REALLY anxious, to the point I was tearing up.  I was having second thoughts about the IUD. I texted my best friend, who said she supports me either way, but that if I’m having this much anxiety about NOT trying again, maybe I should cancel my appointment.  She has an only child, and said that she has always regretted not having another. I texted my husband that I was having second thoughts. He responded with a row of red heart emojis.

I canceled my appointment. The anxiety melted away.

I texted my husband to tell him I’d canceled. He responded with :Screen Shot 2018-03-08 at 7.53.27 PM

So. I guess we’re going to start trying again. Goodbye caffeine and alcohol, hello vitamins (for both of is), ovulation tests, and temperature charting. This time is different, though. We already have one child, so the desperation and fear and urgency we had before isn’t there.  We are going to try for a year and if we don’t have any luck, we’ll be ok with that. It’s not ideal timing, but as my husband said, “it isn’t ever going to be ideal, and we’re not getting any younger.”

I never really thought we’d be even thinking of trying again, let alone actually doing it. And yet here we are!